Dear Dr. Jory,
I don’t think I love my husband anymore. And I can’t say why. On paper, he adds up. He’s a good provider, helps out at home, and is a fabulous father. We have a beautiful home and two great kids. He’s even romantic—remembers holidays, birthdays, and goes out of his way to tell me he loves me. I can’t find any major faults in him. He’s the same guy I married seven years ago, but last year I looked at him one day and felt nothing. Since then I’m just going thru the motions.
Signed, Empty Pocket
Dear Empty,
Love begins inside us. When we love someone, we project our happiness, hopes and dreams onto them. You know you love someone when you see the best in them and feel warm and peaceful around them. But those feelings come from inside you, not from them.
You said little about yourself, only that you don’t love your husband. But maybe the real problem is that you don’t love yourself right now. Has something happened—or not happened—that would cause you to feel numb? Disappointed? Traumatized? Are you worried that life is passing you by? Your feelings may or may not have anything to do with your husband. I suggest you look inside for answers, not at your husband.
Love yourself. You were born for a reason. Know your reason. Embrace your reason, and guard it at all times. That’s self-love. You won’t feel love for your husband until you feel it for yourself.
— Dr. Jory
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About Brian Jory, Ph.D.
Brian Jory is the Director of the Family Studies Program at Berry College, near Atlanta, Georgia, USA, and has dedicated his career to counseling couples, teaching about intimacy, researching relationships.
He is the author of “Cupid on Trial – What We Learn About Love When Loving Gets Tough,” and has been featured on numerous television shows, blogs, and podcasts including Bustle, Romper, Elite Daily, NBC, PBS, and Good Sex, Bad Sex.
